A Blade
by The You of Yesterday
Summary: "Although a shield can be made into a blade, you cannot make a blade into a shield.  At most I can try and die, for can a slender blade stop a barrage of arrows?" Kakashi reflects on why he fights as he returns to Konoha to be made Hokage.


I dream only of peace.

I do not wish to fight. I have no desire to fight.

Why, then, do I fight?

You might well ask this, and it is a reasonable question, and so, some might say, deserves a reasonable answer.

Could I, if I hate fighting so much, not simply hang up my gloves and hitae-ate and retire?

No.

I do not fight because I want to. I do not fight purely because I know nothing else, although that is true. I do not fight for my family, as I have none. I do not fight for love, as although I feel it, it is the wrong thing to fight for. Violence and love do not sit well together in my mind.

"I fight for the Village". This is what most ninja will ambiguously state, with great conviction, no matter where they originate from, if you ask them why they fight.

"I fight for my friends" is what others might say. "I fight for those who are precious to me."

Although I too have thought and felt that this may be why I fight, I know that it is not.

No.

I fight so that others do not have to.

I am a shinobi with things he wants to protect. These things are many and varied, but above all other things I want to protect the innocence of those who do not know this cruel shinobi world. Those who do not know the horrors of war. Those who see the true beauty of this world untainted by the stench of death, to mix metaphors a little. But what real difference is there? For when you live as a tool, as a weapon, sight and smell become much the same thing - a means to detect the enemy; a means to avoid his jutsu; an aid to pinpointing his location so that you can make the kill as quick and as clean as is possible. For no matter what they tell you, death is never quick or clean.

If I were not the one to fight and to kill, another would have to do it in place place. And although he might be another like me, with nothing left to be lost, if all move up the line, the one who comes in at the bottom will be one who still retains his innocence and has yet to see death. I take as many S-Rank missions as I can, and almost as many A-rank, not because I think that I am the best or that others are not capable, but because I do not want to see others to become what I am.

I have lived my life as a tool of my Village. I know this.

I am on my way back to the Village now to be inaugurated as the Hokage, a position for which I am uniquely unsuited.

By my side are four young people.

One is a tool like I am, his innocence taken before he knew he had it. He is rediscovering his innocence now while he is still young enough to find it. I envy him. He is discovering what makes him human. I knew what made me human, but it was ripped from me and all that remains to tell me I am still human is the pain I feel when I look at the young and the innocent. I cannot let them become what I have become, but I cannot prevent it either. Even I have only one life to give, after all. Becoming a Hokage does not, contrary to popular legend, make you into a god.

One is a weapon, his innocence preyed upon by cruel people but by some miracle it was never quite stolen.

One is a fighter. He was born to fight, and will die fighting, but he will never know exactly what it is he is fighting for. He will never think to look for it, and so he will never be as I am. A tool who does not realise he is a tool will still carry the capacity for happiness.

One is a healer, her innocence stolen by the one she thought she loved. Her eyes as she ran forward, half-heartedly, to kill him told me she too was lost. I wanted to protect her, but I was too late. He - Naruto - with his innocence, was on time.

The other is a supposed enemy, but she rides quietly on my back. She senses our energies, and I can feel her chakra reaching out to each of us. When she touches Naruto she starts. Yes, she too has noticed. He seems so innocent and bright, but yet has something different underneath. Something dark. This is how I know he is not something I have the strength to protect, as much as I want to. He has seen the darkness, but has come back with his innocence intact.

I have no desire to lead these people. Promotion in our world is not to be celebrated. It is achieved only through tragedy.

I am not one who should take on this mantle, but it is not for me to argue. I will do what I am asked.

I have fought all my life as a tool of the Village, and I will not cease to be a tool now, although I must become a tool of a very different nature.

Since I was a child I have learned how to be a blade, swift and sharp. If a clean, quick kill were possible, I would be the one to deal it. It is not possible, but I deal death as cleanly and quickly as is humanly possible.

Now, I am being asked to change my shape and become a shield. That it no easy feat, and I doubt my ability to transform into the role that is expected of me.

Although I have been a sensei, I have never protected my team as a shield, but have fought for them as a blade.

From my first mission as a team leader, I led as the blade that I had been trained to be, and I failed. I could not protect because I am not made in the right mould to be a shield. I can only protect by getting there first and taking out the enemy so that he cannot hurt those I want to protect.

At the time I felt I had failed, and indeed I had, but that did not mean that I had to change my shape. I know that I can protect as a blade, acting alone, cold and deadly. A single point, a mass of steel folded and refolded a thousand times which can deal endless death before becoming dull.

The blade cannot become the shield.

The Hokage is the shield of the Village, held up as a last defence against the enemy once the blade of ANBU has failed in its strike.

This is not something I can become and I feel a sense of panic rise in my stomach now as we approach the Village gates. Somehow the wall is still standing, and the gates are intact.

This has always been my Village, and it will continue to be so even now that its appearance is so radically different. But I cannot lead it. I can lead the charge, but I cannot stay behind and shield the children from harm. That is not my place, that is not what I was trained to do.

Of course, I realise that a shinobi can extend beyond his training, and I have indeed done that many times, but you cannot fit a fat man into a thin man's clothes, and although a shield can be made into a blade, you cannot make a blade into a shield.

I will of course say nothing of this to anyone. I will take on this heavy mantle and wear it with all the seriousness that is within my heart. I will take up this office with the utmost sincerity, but I cannot alter my form. I cannot succeed at this.

At most I can try and die, but the Village will not be safe, for can a slender blade stop a barrage of arrows? Can a pin plug a breach in a dam and stop the flood?

We are at the gates now.

Konohamaru and his team are here shouting at Naruto. They still have their innocence. At least I think they do.

Konohamaru is different to the others though. I think he lost his innocence when Pain attacked the Village. I heard that he saved Ebisu-san of all people.

All I did was die, and they made me Hokage.

I was prepared to die. I knew I had done all I could for the Village as a blade, and saved those that I could save. I had not lived a bad life, when all is said and done, and I was willing to slip from the world with a vision of the carefree clouds in my mind.

To see them all, and to be so close to spending eternity with those I had truly loved, then to be pulled back to this world. I cannot describe the pain.

But I will not say a word about it. While others gazed around with weary and dazed eyes, some openly longing to be returned to that blissful place, I could not. I am a tool after all, and if it were not my time, I would use whatever additional time on this earth I had been given to perform my duty as a tool. I am accustomed to receiving nothing for my efforts. Tools function just as well without acknowledgement.

A part of me feels a 'thank you' might be nice, although it is a very small part. Most of the time I forget that it is even there, but today I can almost see it taunting me as Naruto receives more well-deserved accolades.

I beat it over the head, and it slinks off to hide where it thinks I cannot find it. But I know it is there, and I hate it.

Well, it is time to go and face the music.


End file.
